


Remember Me

by burymeinziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst, Flashbacks, Infidelity, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-07
Updated: 2013-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-24 02:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burymeinziam/pseuds/burymeinziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Zayn and Liam need to forget before they can remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember Me

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based off of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

“Hi.” 

Liam is surprised to see a boy with messy, jet black hair with a shock of blond running through the front standing before him holding a copy of Rolling Stone and a can of Arizona green tea. He really shouldn’t be surprised though considering he’s running the register and this boy is only the next person in line. Perhaps Liam is surprised because this kid has to be the most beautiful boy he’s seen in his entire life – or something close to it – and he really can’t take his eyes off of him. 

“Hey,” Liam responds with a smile as he scans the barcode on the magazine. There’s a band he’s never heard of on the cover advertising an album and secrets about a tour Liam won’t take the time to check out. He glances back up at the boy who’s rolling up the sleeves of his hoodie revealing his forearms which are littered with tattoos. “Find everything okay?” 

“Yeah. Fucking crowded in here though,” he says, then shrugs his shoulders as a breathless laugh slips past his lips. “Guess that’s what I get for coming to Target around Christmas though, right? All for a magazine and a tea.”

Liam laughs as well as he presses a few buttons on the register before speaking the total out loud. He bags up the two items, keeping an eye on the boy as he digs his wallet out of his back pocket and curses something about forgetting he didn’t have cash. 

“You take discover right?” He asks, an annoyed expression on his face. “I forgot to stop by the bank.”

Liam nods. “Yeah. I just need to see ID.”

When he takes a look at the card he learns this boy’s name is Zayn and Liam can’t help but to think that it fits. Zayn swipes his card a few seconds later and provides Liam with an electronic signature. All too soon the receipt is printed out and tossed into the shopping bag and, before Liam knows it, he’s handing Zayn his things and telling him to have a nice day. 

“Thanks, mate,” Zayn says in response. His smile is charming and Liam feels like a teenaged girl with the way he’s swooning. “You too.”

And then he’s gone and Liam is wishing he weren’t as the next customer steps up in line. 

_ Liam is seconds away from sleep when the front door swings open and Zayn stumbles into his small, one bedroom apartment. His eyes crack open and his vision is slightly blurred due to his half-conscious state, but Liam can see where Zayn is leaning against the door frame running a hand through his hair as he struggles to use the other to shove the spare key Liam had given him back into the pocket of his worn leather jacket.  _

_ “Zayn…” Liam mumbles from the couch. “Could you close the door? The heat is on and you’re letting the cold in.” _

_ Zayn’s eyes drift toward where Liam is lying on the couch and then he nods his head before pushing himself off of the frame and shoving the door closed. He crosses the room and Liam can tell he’s drunk by the way Zayn stumbles over to the couch and sinks down onto the floor in front of him. Zayn grins at the sight of Liam’s face before he leans in for a kiss. _

_ Liam’s eyes are so close to slipping shut, he’s so close to letting go and falling into Zayn, his mind is already drifting to whether or not it would be better to haul Zayn up onto the couch with him or to get up and lead him back to the bedroom and he’s just about to make a decision when he smells it. Its Axe body spray and some fruity drink he knows Zayn would never order for himself. Its menthol cigarettes and a dog Liam knows Zayn doesn’t own. Its unknown body wash and everything that is completely and totally not Zayn. _

They meet again outside of a bookstore. Liam recognizes Zayn’s hair immediately, then the worn leather of his jacket and easy expression on his face. He wonders if he should say anything, if it would be weird to stop and say hello, maybe tell him that he remembers him from that time he bought that magazine at Target. That was over a week ago and Liam has helped countless customers since then and he’s pretty much sure Zayn would find it odd that Liam would remember him out of all the rest.

But then Zayn is looking Liam’s way and there’s a curious expression in his eyes that makes Liam wonder if he’d had the boy pegged all wrong. 

“Hey…” Zayn’s holding and open pack of cigarettes and a lighter as he approaches Liam. His head is cocked to the side as he takes in Liam’s face and then his eyes light up in silent recognition. “I thought you looked familiar.”

Liam laughs, rubs nervously at the back of his neck. “Do I?”

“You’re the kid who works at Target right?” Zayn asks. “The one with the nice smile.”

Liam can feel the way his cheeks heat up at the compliment and he ducks his head. He’s not used to people – guys especially – being so forward with him. And Zayn isn’t even being all that forward; he only said Liam has a nice smile and his insides are already turning to mush.

“Oh well, uh, yeah…”

Zayn’s laughing now as he takes out a cigarette and shoves the rest of the pack into his back pocket. He places it between his lips before lighting it up and returning the lighter to his pocket as well. “I’m Zayn by the way,” he says extending a hand. 

Liam takes it, doesn’t bother saying that he already knows because he figures that would be a bad idea. “Liam.”

Zayn smiles as he holds onto Liam’s hand a few seconds longer than necessary. 

Liam can’t help but to smile back. 

_ “What’s that?” _

_ Zayn lazily reopens his eyes and sighs in response. “What’s what?” _

_ “That smell.” _

_ Zayn groans. “What smell, Liam?”  _

_ Liam sits up and presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. He hates it when Zayn plays dumb like he doesn’t know what Liam is talking about. He hates when Zayn goes out and comes back to his apartment drunk and smelling like people Liam’s never met and Zayn has probably known for no more than a few hours.  _

_ “Don’t act like you don’t know,” Liam says, his voice tired. “Who was it?” _

_ “Oh, come on, Liam,” Zayn says. “Is this even necessary? I’m tired and I only wanted to come back here and, you know, make out a bit before going to sleep. I only wanted to spend the night with you; I didn’t come here to fight.” _

_ “Who was it?” _

_ “I only knew him for a few minutes. We danced. Nothing happened.” _

It’s Zayn who suggests they swap numbers and it’s Zayn who texts Liam first. 

He doesn’t know what makes him do it or what it is about this boy that makes him want to know so much more. Zayn doesn’t usually talk to guys like Liam. Guys who are so clean cut and shy and nothing at all like himself. Zayn doesn’t bother with them because he knows it will never get anywhere. They’ll be interested because Zayn is “dangerous” and “edgy.” They’ll be intrigued by his constant supply of cigarettes and the wrinkled, balled up pages of unfinished poetry that’s scattered around his living room floor. They’ll be interested in the idea of Zayn, but not in Zayn himself. 

They’re good for fucking though. Sometimes. Not really. Not at all; but it’s enough to keep him going.

Zayn just finds it easier to meet people elsewhere. People who are like him and aren’t looking for anything special. Zayn only wants something that will allow him to forget himself. He wants hard muscle and chapped lips and hands searching, feeling, everywhere. He wants things that are easy, things that don’t require thinking so much as they do… doing. 

There was just something about Liam that made Zayn say hello before he could think twice about it. There was something safe and familiar about Liam that told Zayn he’d hate himself forever if he didn’t grab this kid’s attention. There was something in the way Liam ducked his head as the blush flooded his cheeks that made Zayn want to compliment him more often. 

It was in the way Zayn’s hands were still tingling hours after Liam had taken it when Zayn had offered an introductory handshake. 

_ Liam was safe which was one of the things Zayn liked most about him. He was nice and so unlike all of the other boys who frequented the bars and the clubs Zayn visited; the ones that only wanted to get Zayn into one of the grimy bathroom stalls for a quick blowjob or a fuck up against the sweat slicked walls that were covered in sharpie and dried come. Liam was wholesome and sweet and everything that Zayn wasn’t and kind of wanted to be. Liam was safe; Liam was home; He was everything Zayn needed and yet he wasn’t enough.  _

_ Zayn was messy, but that was one of the things that drew Liam in. Zayn hated himself, but Liam was determined to show him he wasn’t incapable of being loved. Zayn was damaged, and he seemed like he was beyond repair, but Liam wanted to fix him anyways. _

There’s something in the way Liam looks at him that sets Zayn on edge. Somehow, when they’re in line for coffee one day, Zayn already knows Liam takes his with no cream and just a pinch of sugar. There’s something familiar about the way Liam’s hand fits with his and its almost unnerving that Liam could sense that Zayn only likes to hold hands with his left. 

But Zayn only files these things away as things that don’t really matter because he likes Liam and, for once, he almost believes Liam could possibly like him back. It isn’t that he thinks it’s impossible, or maybe he does, Zayn isn’t really sure; it’s just that nobody has ever looked at him the way Liam does – with that faraway look in his eyes that Zayn somehow knows Liam is getting lost and doesn’t really care to find his way back – and it’s taking Zayn some time to get used to it. 

“I like you,” Zayn says plainly around an exhale of smoke as he watches Liam bite into his sandwich. He’d stopped by Target while Liam was on his lunch break and Zayn had nothing better to do. He never has anything better to do when he isn’t stocking CDs at the record store he works at and they’ve been cutting back on his hours. 

Liam looks up and Zayn chuckles as he leans over to wipe some mustard from the corner of Liam’s mouth with his thumb. Zayn isn’t sure when he became so fucking domestic. If he were with anyone else he would hate himself because he’s only setting himself up for heartbreak; it’s only a matter of time before someone as smart as Liam realizes just how much of a fuck up Zayn really is and bolts. But this isn’t anyone else; it’s Liam and somehow, deep inside, Zayn feels as if he can trust him. Somehow, Zayn knows Liam is real and that he actually has a shot if only he can manage to knock all of his walls down and go all in. 

Liam tilts his head to the side and grins. “I like you too.”

_ “Who was he?”  _

_ “Who?”  _

_ Liam swallows hard and folds his arms over his chest as he avoids all possible eye contact with Zayn. “You know how I’m talking about, Zayn. Please don’t make me say it.” His voice is calm now. He’s speaking in that way Zayn knows means he’s trying to be nice, to play his cards right in order to avoid a full blown argument.  _

_ Zayn groans and drags a hand down his face in aggravation. “C’mon, Liam. I knew him for like twenty minutes – thirty minutes – tops. I hardly remember what he looked like let alone his fucking name.” _

_ Liam starts to say something mean, something he feels right in that very moment but doesn’t necessarily mean, but stops himself and clamps his mouth shut before the words even have a chance to make it past his lips.  _

_ Zayn notices it though; he can see it in the way Liam’s body tenses up. It’s in the way he’s gripping his forearms so tight his knuckles are turning white and Zayn knows there’s a good chance he’s going to bruise.  _

_ “Go on, Liam,” Zayn grumbles. “Just say it. There’s no use in holding it in for the sake of being nice. Just say what’s on your mind for once.” _

_ Liam drops his head and exhales heavily. “It doesn’t matter,” he says. _

_ “Don’t give me that bullshit.” _

_ “You don’t want to know what I have to say, Zayn. Just leave it alone” _

_ “No. Say what you were going to say. Just get it out already.” _

_ “I said it doesn’t matter; just drop it.” _

_ Zayn pushes himself off of the floor and runs his hands angrily through his hair. “But it does, Liam. It fucking does matter. I’m sick of you holding shit inside to spare my feelings. I’m sick of you being so goddamned nice all the time. It’s like you’re a robot walking around trying to please every asshole you meet; myself included.” _

_ Liam’s eyes widen as his releases the death grip he had on his forearms so his hands fall limp to his sides. “And you’re much better?” He asks incredulously. “The guy who says and does whatever he wants whenever he wants without thinking about what could happen afterwards or how other people will feel about it? The guy who sleeps around with random strangers he meets at bars just so he can feel like he actually matters for five minutes? Like it actually changes things? It doesn’t, Zayn. It only makes you feel worse. It only makes things harder because those guys at the club who say you’re pretty and whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you dance? They don’t give a shit about you. Nobody does. Nobody cares. And why should they? You don’t give them any reason to. You don’t even care about yourself so why the hell should anyone else give a shit?”  _

_ The air in the room feels thick and Liam thinks he might be sweating but when he wipes his forehead with the back of his hand his skin feels dry. He doesn’t even realize everything he’s just said until Zayn is pushing past him and grabbing a garbage bag from the cupboard under the kitchen sink. _

_ “Zayn, what are you doing?” _

_ Liam doesn’t get an answer. He only gets to watch Zayn shove the door to Liam’s bedroom open and toss the random pieces of clothing and CDs he’s kept in the apartment into the trash bag. Only then does Liam realize Zayn is leaving.  _

Liam is quick to realize that Zayn is unlike any other boy he’s met. Zayn is complicated and guarded in a way Liam has never experienced. It takes so much for Zayn to say more than “fine” when Liam asks about his day. Zayn isn’t quick to share even the most basic parts about himself such as where he grew up or what he likes to do in his free time. 

This should bother Liam. It should frustrate him to the end of the earth and back, but it doesn’t. It just makes him want to try harder because something tells him that Zayn is worth it. Somehow, Liam just knows that once he gets to the very essence of Zayn he’ll feel as though all of the hard work and frustration wasn’t all in vain. 

“Are you hiding from me?” Liam looks up from the book of poetry his English professor assigned for reading that weekend. 

Zayn is lying next to Liam in his bed playing some version of brick breaker on his phone. It feels strange to be in a bed with a boy fully clothed and not touching. Zayn feels more vulnerable now than he would if he were naked with Liam eyes raking over every inch of his body. 

What’s even stranger is that he and Liam are strictly friends. Zayn is lying in bed with a boy who is quickly becoming the best friend he’s ever had and it’s all platonic. There’s nothing to wonder or to worry about. They know where they stand. This is safe. 

“What are you talking about?” Zayn asks. 

Liam closes his book and looks down at his fingers. “I don’t know. I was just thinking… we’ve known each other for what, two months now? And you know a whole bunch of stuff about me: what I want to do with my life, what I’m afraid of, you know about my childhood and where I grew up, my favorite color…” Zayn waits for Liam to continue and when he doesn’t he raises his brows and motions for him to keep going because he really doesn’t know where Liam is going with this. “I know hardly anything about you. I know you work in a CD shop but I doubt that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life. I know you have sisters but you’ve never told me their names.”

Zayn shrugs. “I don’t talk about myself with people very often.”

“But I’m your friend.”

Zayn looks up at Liam and his eyes are wide and clear; clearer than Liam has ever seen and Liam knows this is Zayn getting ready to let him in. and it feels special. Liam feels special because he also knows Zayn doesn’t just do this with anyone. 

“I don’t have friends, Liam,” he says. “I’ve never had friends. I mean there are people I hang out with… guys I used to get high with. There are guys from clubs who want my number and I might fuck around with them every now and then but I don’t make friends. I don’t swap stories and secrets. I never have.”

“Well,” Liam says, swallowing the lump that has formed in his throat because hearing that from Zayn is just so unbelievably sad. He doesn’t want Zayn to know that he has the sudden urge to cry because, although Zayn has never said so much in words, Liam knows that would only make him angry. “We’re friends aren’t we?” 

Zayn pauses and takes a moment to look at Liam. He thinks about how easy things are with him even though they feel impossibly difficult at the same time. Zayn thinks about how he seems to be able to pick things up and know things about Liam without the other boy needing to say a word. He thinks about how everything with him seems to be so innate, like second nature, and how scary that is. 

“Yeah,” Zayn answers. “I guess we are.”

Liam smiles and tosses his book onto his nightstand and shifting his position on the bed so he’s facing Zayn directly. He pulls his legs close up to his chest and rests his chin against the tops of his knees. “Okay then. Tell me about yourself.”

_ He gets the letter in the mail a few weeks after Zayn walks out on him. He’d tried calling and texting. He’s stopped by Zayn’s apartment and sat outside the door for three hours begging Zayn to open the door, but received no answer. Liam had left a note with one of Zayn’s co-workers at the record store explaining that he was just angry and didn’t mean all the things he’d said that night; that this was exactly why he didn’t say everything he was feeling at every moment of the day because people only get hurt when that happens. He says that if Zayn would just talk to him that he could explain and maybe they could make things right. It wasn’t even that Liam needed them to get back together right away – he knew that wasn’t a huge possibility at this point – he only wanted his friend back.  _

_ When he sees the envelope from an inconspicuous company he’s never heard of before, Liam wonders if the mail had gotten mixed up while it was being sorted. But then he sees his name and knows that probably isn’t the case. He tears it open on his way up the stairs and nearly chokes on air when he reads what is written on the single sheet of paper tucked inside.  _

**_ Mr. Payne, _ **

**_ We are writing to inform you that one, Zayn Malik, has had you erased from his memory. With all due respect, we must ask that you refrain from any contact with Mr. Malik and to avoid mention of a relationship of any kind with him. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact us at one of our offices or by phone. Our information is listed below. _ **

_ Liam is frozen. Liam can’t breathe. _

It takes three months for Liam to muster up the courage to ask Zayn out. It isn’t that he’s afraid of Zayn. Liam feels completely at ease when they’re together. He’s never felt freer in his entire life. It’s more that he’s afraid that Zayn will be too afraid to say yes. Zayn hasn’t said so much in words, but Liam knows Zayn isn’t used to monogamy and that he isn’t completely comfortable with the idea that anyone would want him for anything other than sex. Zayn doesn’t have to say so out loud for Liam to know that he’s afraid that he isn’t good enough.

Liam doesn’t make a big deal out of it all. There are no candles or rose petals or grand gestures of affection. He wasn’t even really even planning on asking Zayn when he did.  It’s just a day like any other. Liam drops by the record store one day while Zayn is working the closing shift and hoists himself up onto the counter like he always does and while he’s watching Zayn sort through a box of donated CDs the words sort of fly out of his mouth before he has the chance to stop them.

“Go out with me,” he says, plain as day. He mentally slaps himself because he’d had something a bit more elegant mapped out in his head. He’d at least planned on saying something about how much he liked Zayn and that he knew he wasn’t really big on the whole boyfriend thing, but Liam was hoping that maybe Zayn could make an exception and give him a chance. 

Zayn looks up from the box of CDs and eyes Liam curiously, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Liam’s heart is beating so hard and fast he’s sure it could burst through his chest at any moment. 

“What?”

Liam’s face heats up and he suddenly can’t find any words. He’s spewing nonsense about how he shouldn’t have said anything about how asking Zayn out was a dumb idea and why would he want to go out with a boring guy like Liam when he can have practically any guy he sets his eyes on. He’s about to hop off of the counter and leave the store before he has the chance to embarrass himself any further when he feels Zayn’s fingers, light as feathers, brushing against the skin of his wrist.

“Okay.”

Liam’s head whips in Zayn’s direction as he narrows his eyes “Okay?” 

“Yeah.” Zayn nods, unable to hide the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I mean… if you’re still asking.”

Liam can’t help but to grin back. “I am.”

Zayn’s cheeks flush red, but he ducks his head before Liam has a chance to notice and goes back to sorting through the CDs. “Good.”

For a moment, Liam wonders if he needs to say anything else, if he should lean over and kiss Zayn as some sort of way to seal the deal. But then he realizes that the silence surrounding them is comfortable and the small smile that’s still lingering on Zayn’s lips wasn’t there a few minutes ago and there will be time for kissing later. Everything is perfect the way it is right in that very moment, so Liam leans back on his palms and closes his eyes so he can soak it all in.

_ When he goes to the record store it feels the same as it always has. Liam can see Niall in the back trying to straighten out a poster hanging on the wall and when Niall turns his head around upon hearing the bell above the door sound off, he smiles and nods a hello in Liam’s direction. Liam figures the letter in the mail must have been some sort of a mistake or that Zayn was just being a dick and playing a joke on Liam in order to get back at him for being so mean. Everything has to be okay because walking into the record shop feels so normal; like nothing has even changed.  _

_ Liam can see Zayn at the register reading a magazine with his feet propped up on the counter and he grins as he grabs a random CD from the sales bin and closes the short distance.  _

_ “Hey there,” he says setting the case on the counter. His voice isn’t entirely playful because Liam isn’t entirely sure, but he’s confident that they will be so he figures a little joking around wouldn’t hurt.  _

_ Zayn looks up from his magazine as he removes his feet from the countertop. He looks down at the CD – Billy Ray Cyrus’ – and raises a brow before dropping the magazine into his lap. “Hi,” he responds, not even bothering with any real eye contact, before picking up the case. “This all for you?”  _

_ Liam quirks an eyebrow. “Are you serious?” _

_ Zayn looks up, his lips pressed into a thin line. He glances back down at the CD case and raises his brows in a question of his own. “Um… are you?” _

_ Liam starts to respond, his lips are forming around the words and he’s about to make the sounds, when he closes his mouth and stops himself because the look in Zayn’s eyes is genuine. There is no sense of recognition. That playful tilt to the right side of his mouth that only showed itself when he was trying to make Liam laugh wasn’t present. Zayn was blank, he was new.  _

_ “You really don’t know me do you?”  _

_ Zayn rolls his eyes and sighs as he leans forward against the counter. “No, man, I don’t. Do you wanna buy the CD or not?”  _

_ “No,” Liam says rubbing a hand over the top of his head before dragging it over his face. He backs away from the counter, his eyes never leaving the annoyed, but slightly curious, expression on Zayn’s face. “No, I don’t think I do.”  _

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve known you,” Liam says around a mouthful of sliced apples. He’s sitting cross-legged on Zayn’s living room floor with a plate full of more apple slices with a small container of caramel situated at the center. There’s a re-run of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air playing on the television that Liam hasn’t been paying complete attention to but is still able to follow even though he’s sure he’s never seen it before. 

Zayn looks up from the book he’d been reading and marking up with a bright yellow highlighter. He likes to highlight all of his favorite parts so they’re easier to find when he wants to go back and read them. He drops the book into his lap, making sure to use the highlighter to save his place. “What are you talking about?”

Liam shrugs, picking up another apple slice and dipping it into the caramel before popping it into his mouth. “I don’t know…” he says as he swallows. He leans back on his palm, staring thoughtfully at the television as Will cracks a joke about Carlton on screen. “Sometimes I’ll be hanging out with you and we’ll be talking and you’ll tell me something and I’ll feel like you’ve told me before. Or I’ll look at you and I’ll feel like I’ve seen you a million times.” Liam pauses and sighs as he drags a hand down his face, his lips curving up into a self-deprecating smile. “I’m sure I sound absolutely insane right now.”

Zayn looks down at his textbook. The highlighter is tucked safely in between the pages, marking his place, as he drags his index finger across the cover. “No,” he says and his voice is so quiet Liam almost doesn’t hear him.

“No?” 

Zayn lifts his eyes so they meet Liam’s and he shakes his head. “I feel that way too sometimes. Like, when you told me you didn’t drink because of that thing with your kidney? I didn’t know it when you told me, but after you’d put it out there it felt like you were only reminding me.”

They’re quiet for a moment, each of them taking the time to process the information, before Zayn is laughing and running his fingers through his growing hair. Liam offers him a curious stare that Zayn understands is a question Liam really doesn’t need to ask. 

“I just think its funny,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders. “We’ve only known each other for half a year and yet it feels as though I’ve known you all my life.” Zayn pauses as he takes the time to appreciate the warm expression on Liam’s face: the way his lips are twitching into that familiar smile that tells Zayn that Liam understands the heat behind his eyes that reminds Zayn that he is cared for. 

“We’ve only been dating three months and I already feel like I’ve loved you forever.”

Liam uncrosses his legs and pushes the plate of apple slices and caramel to the side before moving so he’s situated behind Zayn, his legs on either side of the smaller boy’s body. Liam wraps his arms around Zayn’s waist before hooking his chin over his shoulder and pressing a kiss to the spot just below his boyfriend’s ear. 

“Me too,” Liam whispers. He cranes his neck forward so he can get a better look at Zayn’s face. “But I’m beginning to think that it might be because I have; that, maybe, I loved you before I ever even met you and then I did… and I just knew.”

Zayn turns around so he’s kneeling in between Liam’s legs and claims his lips in a brief kiss. When he pulls away Liam is grinning up at him and it’s like Zayn is seeing him for both the first and the millionth time. 

“You know,” Zayn says thoughtfully as he settles into Liam’s lap, dragging his fingers through his closely shaven hair. “I think I know what you mean.”

_ Liam isn’t sure of what he’s expecting when he goes to the address listed on the letter he received in the mail. Perhaps he’d expecting something extravagant, like a facility that looked as if it could have been plucked straight out of a movie. Instead, what he saw was an averaged sized brick building tucked between a sandwich shop and a nail salon with the name “Myers Memories” printed neatly on a sign hung above the double doors that led inside.  _

_ Liam checked the address to make sure he had the correct location and drew in a deep breath before he walked inside.  _

_ “May I help you?” He’s greeted by a small brunette girl wearing too much eyeliner who smiles up at him with an expression that is both friendly and expectant.  _

_ “Hi,” Liam starts, his voice shaky. “I’m um…. My name is Liam. I just uh, I got this letter in the mail and it says—” _

_ The girl’s face falls as her lips form a small ‘o’. Liam watches as she reaches under the desk and pulls out a clipboard. “Why don’t you just fill this out for me,” she says. “You can have a seat over there and as soon as you’re finished I can send you in to talk to Doctor Myers.” _

_ Liam takes the clipboard and looks down at the form. “I don’t need to get anything done though. I just want to know what the letter is all about.” He looks down at the girl’s name tag. “Beth, please. Can you just tell me—” _

_ “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not at liberty to discuss these things. Please, just fill out the form and we can get you in with Doctor Myers as soon as possible.” _

Liam doesn’t say anything when Zayn goes out most nights. He only watches as Zayn messes with his hair in the bathroom mirror and forces a smile when Zayn kisses him goodbye saying something about being back before two. Liam doesn’t say anything because he’s nice and he knows that this is something Zayn just needs. He’s never said so much in words but Liam knows Zayn like the back of his hand, maybe better than he knows himself, and he knows that sometimes Zayn just needs another warm body pressed against his own on a too hot dance floor.

As much as it bothers him, Liam knows that Zayn needs reassurance and Liam whispering sweet nothings into his ear in the wee hours of the morning when they’re tangled in the white cotton sheets on Liam’s bed isn’t always enough. Sometimes Zayn needs to be loved raw and dirty, he needs the harsh pressure of blunt fingernails dragging down his back leaving angry red lines in their wake. Sometimes Zayn needs to wake up in the morning to find finger shaped bruises on his hips the very same ones Liam chooses to ignore when he’s hovering over Zayn, kissing him soft and sweet, just before he slides down the bed to suck the hard length of Zayn’s cock between his lips. 

Liam doesn’t say anything, he never tells Zayn no, never lets on that he’s unhappy because he knows that this is just something Zayn needs right now. And that’s what love is, Liam thinks. Love is sacrifice and compromise. Love is accepting the things you may not like in order to enjoy the things you do. Things like the smile on Zayn’s face whenever Liam says he loves him and the way his voice is hoarse and raspy whenever Zayn wakes up in the morning. 

These are the things that keep Liam going. Zayn is just damaged, but Liam can save him. He knows he can. 

_ “Mr. Payne.” _

_ Doctor Myers is a short, fat man with a mustache that is too thick for his face. He stands and extends a hand for Liam to shake as soon as Beth leads him into the room.  _

_ “Hi,” Liam says with a polite smile as he accepts the handshake.  _

_ Doctor Myers motions toward the chair on the other side of his desk. “Why don’t you take a seat and tell me a little more about why we’re here today?”  _

_ Liam sits and reaches into the right pocket of his coat to take out the letter he’d received in the mail. “I got this in the mail the other day,” he begins. “I didn’t know – it says he had me erased from his memory and I don’t know what –” _

_ Doctor Myers frowns as he reaches up to run his fingers over his mustache. “You didn’t contact him did you?”  _

_ Liam swallows. “I went to the record store – that’s where he works – because I… I thought it was a joke. I mean, you can’t just erase someone from your memory but when I got there… everything seemed so normal at first. Niall was there and he said hello like he always does but when I saw him it was like… he didn’t even know me.” _

_ Doctor Myers sighs. He knows how Liam must be feeling. He knows what it’s like to see someone you love and to have them look at you as if you’d never existed before that day. “Your boyfriend,” he starts. “What was his name?” _

_ “Zayn,” Liam says. “Malik.” _

_ Doctor Myers opens a filing cabinet and searches through a few folders before locating Zayn’s file and placing it on top of his desk. “I can’t tell you the details of his procedure,” he says. “But I can tell you that he came in a few weeks ago. He mentioned a boyfriend and an argument and a break up. He said he just wanted to forget it all ever happened and we helped him to do that.” _

_ Liam’s throat feels tight, the room suddenly feels to hot and it’s like he can’t get enough air into his lungs. He doesn’t understand. “I don’t – that’s all he said? That he wanted to forget?” _

_ “I can’t really tell you much other than that, Mr. Payne. I’m sorry.” _

_ Liam nods and leans forward, his elbows coming to rest against his knees. He can hear the doctor start to say something else, but Beth’s voice sounds over his phone informing him that there is someone who needs to see him in the lobby.  _

_ “Excuse me; I’ll be right back.” _

_ Liam watches as Doctor Myers leaves him alone in the office, Zayn’s file still open and spread across the desk. Liam knows it’s wrong and invasive, but he can’t really help himself. There’s a cassette tape sitting on top of all of the papers and forms and it would be so easy just to reach across the desk and take it.  _

_ Before he has the chance to second guess himself, Liam’s fingers are wrapping around the cassette tape and shoving it into his coat pocket next to the letter informing him of Zayn’s decision.  _

They don’t talk as much as they used to. 

The days that would usually filled with laughter and kisses and long winded conversations are quiet days spent on the couch reading books neither of them feel the need to share with the other. They eat in near silence, the only conversation being that of “how was your day” and “fine” and “that’s good.”

Liam knows he should say something, knows he should tell Zayn how tired he is. He knows he should tell Zayn that he loves him, but if they want this to work there are a few things that would need to change. Liam knows all of this and more, but he can’t bring himself to speak the words because he knows Zayn would break. Zayn is already fragile enough as it is and piling information like that on him would only break him further. 

Liam is too nice to do that. He loves Zayn too much.

Zayn can feel it though. He can feel the way Liam looks at him before he closes the door behind him on the way out to the club. It’s in the way Liam freezes when Zayn climbs in to bed around three in the morning smelling like whoever he’d spent the night in the bathroom with. 

The worst part is Zayn knows it. Zayn knows how much it bothers Liam, but he can’t bring himself to stop. He loves Liam, but he also loves the feeling of being wanted in a way that is desperate and needy. Zayn wants the rush and the fervor of lips dragging up his neck and the rough feeling of hands working against the button and zip of his jeans. 

He doesn’t know how to say it though and Zayn isn’t sure that he wants to. Liam is nice and sweet and everything Zayn has ever needed. Liam makes Zayn feel safe, makes him feel like he could be worth something. Liam makes Zayn feel like he could have a chance at something good. 

He’s everything Zayn needs, but not exactly what he wants. 

_ “I don’t want to hate him anymore.” _

_ Liam hits rewind and plays the tape over again. _

_ “He’s nice,” Zayn laughs and Liam can already see the smile on his lips. “He loves me, you know? I don’t know why he does, as fucked up as I am. I’m messy and damaged and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never been with anyone before. I’ve never had to give myself to someone, but with Liam… I wanted to try. Liam gave me a chance and I think a part of me will always love him for that.” _

_ “Then why forget?” Doctor Myers asks over the recording. _

_ Zayn sighs. “Because… I don’t want to hate him anymore.” _

_ There’s a pause and Liam can hear Zayn sniff and Doctor Myers asks if he needs a tissue. _

_ “No, no. I’m fine. I just… the thing about Liam is that he’s nice. He’s careful. I know he never wanted to hurt me; he only wanted to make things better. I guess he wanted to fix me or something, I don’t know. He just… He put me before everything, his own happiness included. He let me walk all over him and fuck around and he never said a word. In the beginning I would ask him what was wrong and he would say everything was fine even though I could see it in his eyes that he was lying. I’d come home smelling like whatever stranger I’d hooked up with that night and I’d feel him tense up in bed, but he would never say a word.  _

_ I know it’s fucked up, me continuing to go out and fuck random guys while my boyfriend waits up for me at home, but I don’t think me stopping would have changed anything. I’d still be just as damaged and Liam would still stay quiet and try to fix me from afar. He’d say all the things he thinks I want to hear and never the things he’s really feeling. I try so hard not to, but sometimes I just hate him for that… for loving me so carefully, for treating me like I’m made of glass, like I can’t handle the truth… _

_ I just don’t want to hate him anymore.” _

“You really should learn to put things away,” Liam says as he picks up one of Zayn’s dirty T-shirts from the floor. “I mean, I love having you here but you can’t keep leaving your shit all over the place.”

Zayn smirks, stretching out across Liam’s bed. “Why would I need to put things away when I’ve got you here to do it for me?” He asks. 

Liam huffs out laugh as he glances up toward his boyfriend. It’s a good day for them, he thinks. One of the days when they aren’t worried about who is going to say what or when Zayn is going to leave and if Liam is going to have the guts to say something.

“I love you, you know,” he says, Zayn’s T-shirt hanging limply at his side. 

Zayn sits up, leans back on his palms and smiles takes in the image of Liam standing before him. He wants every day to feel like this; like freedom. Zayn feels happy and at home and he knows it’s all because of this kind, beautiful boy before him who was stupid enough to fall in love with him. Zayn knows this and he keeps the feeling in mind because it’s what keeps him going. It’s what makes all the fear and the frustration worth it because as long as Liam loves him, and as long as Zayn loves him back, he’s sure everything will be okay.  

“I love you too.”

Liam nods and tosses Zayn’s shit back onto the floor as he crosses the room to meet Zayn on the bed. He straddles Zayn’s lap and buries his face into the crook of his neck, peppering the skin with kisses and sharp nips of his teeth just around the outer shell of Zayn’s ear.

Zayn falls back against the bed, bringing Liam down with him as their lips mash together. It’s messy and there’s way too much tongue but somehow it’s absolutely perfect. Liam can almost feel Zayn’s heartbeat through all of the skin and bone and muscle and it makes everything feel more raw and real and unlike anything he’s ever felt with Zayn before. He groans at the pressure of Zayn’s hands against his ass, forcing their hips together and causing a friction that makes Zayn gasp into Liam’s mouth.

“Oh, fuck, Liam, yeah; just like that.”

Liam nods, his lips sliding down to Zayn’s chin and back up again and he takes the hint setting up a steady rhythm as he grinds his hips down against Zayn’s. Zayn rocks forward, meeting Liam halfway on every thrust of his hips causing the other boy to stifle his moans into the thin fabric of Zayn’s T-shirt. 

“Pants,” Zayn mumbles breathless. “Off. Now.”

They undress quickly, neither of them saying a word. Liam tosses his jeans to the floor before pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it to the ground as well. Zayn’s clothes end up in a pile at the end of the bed and then he’s pushing Liam back onto the bed, covering Liam’s body with his own.

“Drawer right?”  Zayn asks, his voice thick as he grinds down once against Liam’s thigh, his forehead falling to Liam’s shoulder. 

Liam nods. “Yeah.”

Zayn reaches over, climbing half off of Liam to open the drawer to the nightstand in search of a condom and the bottle of lube Liam likes to keep handy. When he doesn’t find it right away he sighs out in annoyance as he moves to the edge of the bed so he can better sift through the contents of the drawer. 

“Come on…” he mumbles. “Fuck.”

Liam can’t help but to laugh at Zayn’s frustration as he slides a hand down his chest to lazily stroke at his cock lying hot and heavy against his stomach. Zayn turns around and catches him and briefly reaches over to slap Liam’s hand away from his cock. 

“C’mon, Liam. That’s not even fair.”

Liam chuckles, wrapping his fingers back around his cock as Zayn returns his attention the drawer. He doesn’t seem to notice when Zayn freezes when he stumbles upon a partially folded sheet of paper that had been shoved into the back of the drawer. He doesn’t see when Zayn curiously takes it out and unfolds it after his eye catches the neatly printed _Myers Memories_ typed out across the top. Liam doesn’t notice anything until Zayn is sitting at the edge of the bed staring dumbly at a letter and a cassette tape saying that he shouldn’t have any recollection of Liam Payne at all.

_ Liam spends the day packing up everything he has in his house that could possibly remind him of Zayn. The pictures are the first to go. For a second, he thinks it might just be best to pack them up in a box and store them away in a place he’d never think to find them. Tossing them into the trash just seems wrong because, in the end, Zayn was never a bad thing. He was just a boy that Liam has come to realize never should have happened.  _

_ But then Liam remembers that he won’t even know who Zayn is within the next 24 hours and the trash doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.  _

_ The clothes go next; everything that even smells like Zayn is thrown into a garbage bag that Liam plans on taking to the local Goodwill before he heads over to Doctor Myers’. And then it’s the knick knacks and the silly notes Zayn would leave behind on Liam’s kitchen counter and in his coat pockets. He deletes all of his text messages and saved voicemails.  _

_ By the time he’s finished, Liam’s apartment feels emptier than it had before he ever even met Zayn and he starts to wonder if this is what his life has come to. If he’s meant to feel as empty and cold as his apartment does in this very moment. He wonders if he’ll meet someone as beautifully wrong as Zayn again and be forced to do this twice over.  _

_ Liam tosses the trash into the dumpster on his way out and drops the clothes off at the Goodwill on the way to the office. His stomach is in knots as his mind drifts off to every memory he has of Zayn as he navigates the eerily empty streets of the city. When he stops at a light he a boy with dark hair and tattooed arms crosses the street and the sharp pain in his chest nearly impossible to ignore when Liam can’t help but to think that kid reminds him of Zayn.  _

_ Liam sighs in relief when the light turns green and he’s able to turn the corner and find a spot in the parking lot behind Doctor Myers’ building. As sad as is Liam thinks it is to forget someone as beautiful as Zayn Malik, Liam also knows it would be just as painful to remember him.  _

_ Beth smiles when the bell above the door jingles as Liam steps into the office. “Hello there, Mr. Payne. What can I do for you today?” _

_ “I’m ready,” Liam says, his voice equal parts hopeful and sad. “I want to forget.” _

Zayn is sitting in front of Liam’s stereo, the letter from Myers’ Memories situated in his lap as his voice sounds from the speakers. 

_ “I don’t want to hate him anymore” _

Liam’s heart sinks at the sadness in Zayn’s voice, the brutal honesty of it all. “I looked it up online,” he says softly. “The place that sent me that letter… it’s a clinic. They erase people from your memory. I’m guessing that’s what they did to you… and me too, I suppose considering I don’t remember ever knowing you before now.”

Zayn looks up, his brows furrowed. “But don’t you?” He asks. “All the things we’ve known about each other, but could never explain? The way I knew about your kidney and the way you took your coffee. How when I saw you that day outside that bookstore I felt connected to you in some surreal way I didn’t have the words to explain? I’ve always known you, Liam; and this is why.”

_ “It was so easy at first,”  _ Zayn says through the speakers. His voice is fond, the way it was less than an hour earlier when he was telling Liam he loved him in the bedroom. _“Loving Liam was so easy in the beginning. Like I said, he was nice and he believed in me in a way nobody ever had before. He made me laugh and he held my hand. I know it sounds stupid, but I’d never had that before… but that can only be good for so long. I think Liam can make someone really happy someday. Someone who is more like him, you know? Someone who can appreciate how good he is”_

_ “And you can’t?”  _ Doctor Myers asks over the recording.

_ “Not the way he deserves. Loving Liam is hard. I want to understand the way he feels. I want to know what he thinks and to just… I want to know him in the same way he’s always trying to fix me and I don’t think that will ever happen. I can’t be fixed until I’m ready and Liam won’t be known until he decides to let someone in.  _

_ I want us to be those people for each other, but I just don’t think we are.” _

_ “Then why forget?” _

There’s a pause and Liam is about to tell Zayn to turn the tape off so they can talk about this. They could go to the clinic and see exactly what this was all about. Maybe they could tell each other things and try to trigger old memories that are locked away in the backs of their minds. But then Zayn is talking again and all they can really do is listen.

_ “I don’t want to hate him anymore,”  _ Zayn says. _“I know this sounds stupid, but as long as I know he’s out there I’ll never leave. I’ll stay with him and he’ll stay with me and we’ll just… we’ll keep doing what we’re doing. He’ll continue to push and pull and he’ll keep on being careful and we’ll just… I don’t want to hate him anymore.”_

Liam steps forward and hits stop on the stereo before the tape can continue. They’re quiet while Zayn remains seated on the floor, his eyes trained on the letter, and Liam stands next to the stereo staring blankly out of his living room window.

“Do you think it’s true?” Zayn asks, finally, breaking the silence. 

Liam shrugs.

“No,” he says. “Don’t do that. You heard me on the tape. That’s what you do. I need you to tell me, Liam. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

Liam chews on bottom lip as he folds his arms across his chest. He takes a seat against the wall a few feet away from Zayn and sighs, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t know,” he says. “I guess so. I mean… that’s you on that tape. And you’re talking about us and everything you said…” Liam looks up. “Do you hate me?”

Zayn swallows and tears his eyes away from Liam’s face. “No… I mean, not now. There are times when you frustrate me though and I do think you shut me out though and you never say what’s on your mind. You tell me that I have walls and that I need to learn to let people in, but you need to do the same thing, Liam. You’re just as damaged as I am.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Liam says softly.

“What?” 

Liam looks up and his eyes are shining with unshed tears. He’s smiling but it’s sad as he wipes at his eyes and shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe you’re right. The you on the tape, I mean. About us.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Maybe we aren’t right for each other. Everything you said on that tape is happening to us now,” Liam says. “I don’t want to end up hating you either so maybe we should just quit while we’re ahead.”

Zayn starts to fight Liam but stop himself before he can even form the words. As much as he’d rather not admit to it, he knows Liam is right. He’d listened to himself on tape and everything he said was true. Liam loved him to carefully, loved him in a way Zayn may have needed but didn’t want. And Zayn did push and pull Liam in every direction. He set out to hurt people before they had the chance to hurt him and, as much as he loved Liam, Zayn didn’t want to end up being the guy to break him. 

“I’m telling you how I feel, Zayn,” Liam continues, his voice quiet as he stares down at the carpet. “And, you know, just because two people are meant to be doesn’t mean that they’ll work out. It doesn’t mean they’re right.”

“So then what do we do?” Zayn asks. 

Liam looks up at Zayn, his eyes wet and turning a light shade of pink. “I don’t ever want to hate you,” he says softly.

Zayn nods, rubbing his hands over the tops of his thighs. He huffs out nervous puff of laughter as he forces himself not to cry. “Okay.”

Zayn doesn’t have much of his stuff stashed away at Liam’s and they’re both quiet as they move around the apartment, packing his things into a small box Liam had sitting in the back of his closet. Neither of them really knows what to say but, when they think about it, there isn’t much to say. Things are what they are and there isn’t much that can be done to change it. 

“I think that’s it,” Zayn says staring down into the box sitting at his feet. He bends over to pick it up, glances over toward the front door, and then back toward Liam. 

“Okay. I’ll uh… I can call you if I find anything else?” 

“I love you, you know,” Zayn says softly, looking down into the contents of his box.

“Yeah,” Liam nods. “Me too.”

Liam walks him to the front door, holding it open as Zayn steps out into the hallway. Zayn offers Liam a sad smile and a small wave of his hand before he’s turning around and walking toward the elevator at the end of the hall. Liam watches as the elevator doors slide open and he expects Zayn to step inside, but instead he’s turning around and walking back toward Liam’s apartment. 

“Maybe we’re just not right now,” Zayn says as he closes the distance between them. “Like now. Maybe we just aren’t right for each other… now.”

“Maybe,” Liam replies, with a hopeful shrug of his shoulders. “That’s always possible.”

Zayn nods, leaning forward to kiss Liam briefly on the lips. “Goodbye, Liam.”

“Goodbye, Zayn.”

Liam watches as the elevator doors open at the end of the hall and continues to watch as Zayn steps inside, waving a final goodbye as the doors close behind him. When he’s gone, Liam’s heart aches for Zayn and he almost wants to go downstairs and tell Zayn to come back; maybe they can figure something out. But then Liam remembers that it isn’t right. Not now at least. There might be a time for them later… or maybe there won’t be, Liam doesn’t really know and he’s sure that Zayn doesn’t either. But they’ll figure that out in time. 

Until then, they can always remember.


End file.
